Why Parenting Feels So Overwhelming: Understanding Your Emotional Systems

How our emotional systems work in the early days of parenting

Becoming a parent can stir up huge emotions—love, worry, exhaustion, joy, self-doubt—all in the same hour. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or hard on yourself, you're not alone. Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) can help make sense of what’s going on inside, especially during the perinatal period (pregnancy, birth, and the early months and years with baby).

CFT talks about three systems we all have that shape how we feel: threat, drive, and soothe. Each one features unique biomarkers, and link to particular emotions and behaviours. Research suggests that we tend to do best in both our physical and mental health when these three systems are in balance.

1. The Threat System: Always on Guard

This part of us is always on the lookout for danger. It’s what kept our ancestors alive and helps us spot when something’s wrong. But it also reacts to emotional threats—like feeling judged, not good enough, or worrying we’re messing up as parents.

If we’ve had tough experiences in the past (like being criticised a lot, feeling unsafe, or not getting the support we needed) our threat system might be more sensitised. Add in sleep deprivation, tricky births, or pressure to “enjoy every moment,” and it can feel like our brain is stuck on high alert.

Many parents find their inner voice turns harsh. “Why can’t I cope?” “Other parents are doing better.” This kind of self-criticism keeps the threat system firing, which can lead to anxiety, shame, or shutdown.

2. The Drive System: Survival through Striving

Our drive system helps us to get things done. It’s the part of us that prepares for baby, reads all the books, and powers through even when we’re running on empty. For lots of people, especially if love or safety felt like something that had to be earned growing up, the drive system becomes a way to cope and feel in control.

This isn’t bad.. Drive can be amazing. But if it’s always running alongside a busy threat system, it can become exhausting. We might feel like we have to be the perfect parent, or keep busy to avoid feelings of failure or fear. It can become a loop: push harder, crash, feel awful, then push again.

3. The Soothing System: The Missing Piece

This system helps us feel safe, calm, and connected - not because we’ve achieved something, but just because we’re human and we matter. It’s about rest, warmth, comfort, and self-kindness.

For many of us, especially if we have at times not felt safe or soothed in the past, this system can be smaller than the others. But the good news is: we can grow it. Moments of self-kindness (for more, see my blog on the ladder of self-compassion), connection with others, and therapy can help.

Why this matters

When we start to understand how these systems work, we can begin to be kinder to ourselves. Parenting is full-on. We don’t need to be perfect. Building our soothing system isn’t lazy or selfish—it’s what helps us show up for ourselves and for baby with warmth and care.

And so, the question so often on my mind…

How are your systems looking? If we were to draw your own three circles (like the ones above), what sizes would they each be? What might you need to rebalance them?

It’s OK to rest. To cry. To ask for help. To not know. We’re not broken. We’re human. And compassion can be the thread that helps us to find our way through.

Navigating Perinatal Mood Difficulties: A Brief Self-Help Guide

Understanding Mood Difficulties in the Perinatal Period

Becoming a parent is one of life’s biggest transformations—beautiful, intense, and sometimes overwhelming. If you’re feeling anxious, low, or lost in self-doubt, you’re not alone. Many parents experience emotional struggles as they adjust, and it’s not a reflection of how much you love your baby or how good a parent you are.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) offer powerful ways to understand and shift unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaviour, helping us respond to ourselves with greater kindness and connection.

But healing is also deeply relational. Our experiences of being parented, our past relationships, and the way we’ve learned to cope with emotions all shape how we experience early parenthood. Let’s explore how to move toward self-compassion and deeper connection with both yourself and your baby.

1. The Nervous System and Emotional Regulation

Your nervous system plays a key role in how you respond to stress. When we feel safe and connected, our body is in a regulated state. But when we feel overwhelmed, our nervous system can go into fight, flight, freeze mode.

- Fight/Flight: Anxiety, panic, frustration, restlessness.

- Freeze: Feeling numb, stuck, disconnected. Exhaustion, withdrawal, depression.

💡 Exercise: Take a moment to notice your body. What state do you feel in right now? Where do you feel tension or ease? Try taking three slow, deep breaths and notice any changes.

2. The Window of Tolerance: Finding Your Balance

The window of tolerance describes the emotional zone where we feel safe and able to cope (the middle zone in the image below). Stress can push us outside this window, leading to dysregulation. The upper ‘red’ zone, represents fight/flight, and the lower ‘blue’ zone represents freeze.

If we have experienced lots of stress over time, our bodies learn that we need the red and blue zones so they grow (and our WoT shrinks). We can widen our WoT by noticing when we are slipping into the blue and the red zones, and bringing ourselves back using soothing or energising practices…

Image Source: Psychology Today

Expanding Your Window of Tolerance

- Soothing Strategies (use when slipping into the red zone): Gentle breathing, mindfulness practices, noticing and releasing tension in the body.

- Energising Strategies (use when slipping into the blue zone): Standing up, moving the body, sensory grounding (really attending to 5 things you can see, hear, smell, taste, touch)

💡 Exercise: Think of one small action that helps you to soothe and energise yourself. Can you commit to trying it today?

3. Attachment, Trauma, and Parenthood

Our early experiences with caregivers can shape how we relate to ourselves and others. If we experienced criticism, neglect, or unpredictability, we may develop self-doubt or struggle with self-soothing in adulthood.

Breaking the Cycle

- Recognising Old Patterns: Notice if your self-criticism echoes past voices.

- Compassionate Reparenting: Starting to build imagery of offering yourself the care you needed as a child.

- Secure Attachment with Your Baby: Focus on moments of connection rather than perfection.

💡 Exercise: Imagine yourself as a child. What words of comfort do you wish you had heard? Try saying them to yourself now.

4. The CBT Model: Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviours

CBT helps us understand how our thoughts, emotions, and actions are linked. Unhelpful thoughts can fuel difficult emotions and lead to coping behaviours that keep us stuck.

Image source: Get.gg

Common Patterns in the Perinatal Period:

- Thoughts: “I’m a bad parent.” → Feelings: Guilt, shame → Behaviours: Withdrawing from support.

- Thoughts: “I should be enjoying this more.” → Feelings: Anxiety → Behaviours: Pushing through exhaustion.

- Thoughts: “Everyone else is coping better.” → Feelings: Loneliness → Behaviours: Avoiding social contact.

💡 Exercise: Write down a self-critical thought. Now challenge it: Is it a fact or an assumption? What would a kind friend say instead?

5. Tools for Managing Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviours

Managing Thoughts

- Self-Compassionate Reframing: Replace self-criticism with kinder perspectives.

- Thought Diffusion: Picture your thoughts as leaves floating down a stream, letting them pass rather than getting stuck.

Managing Feelings

- Grounding Techniques: 5-4-3-2-1 sensory check-in (5 things you see, 4 you touch, etc.).

- Breathing Exercises: Inhale for 4, exhale for 6 to engage your soothing system.

Managing Behaviours

- Small Acts of Self-Care: The perinatal period can be the ultimate challenge to parent self-care. If this feel out of reach, are there any micro-practices you can implement (switching a 1 minute scroll for a 1 minute self-soothing practice?).

- Connection Before Correction: When struggling with your baby, focus on reconnection rather than perfection.

💡 Exercise: Choose one strategy from above to try today. What do you notice?

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Alone

Struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re human. Early parenthood can stir up old wounds, but it also offers an opportunity for healing.

By bringing awareness to our thoughts, softening our self-judgment, and seeking connection, we can break cycles of shame and self-criticism. You deserve kindness and support, just as much as your baby does.

Breaking the Chain: How Compassion-Focussed Therapy Helps Heal Intergenerational Trauma

When we think about trauma, it’s often not about one big event. It’s often something that ripples through our inner world, without our full awareness. Compassion-Focussed Therapy works by helping us to connect with our inner world and treat ourselves with kindness, build resilience, and heal the wounds we might carry from the past.

One of the things I love about CFT is that it is quite a tangible therapy, with some practices we can practice for ourselves, without therapy. In this blog, I want to share how we can use the Ladder of Compassion to climb out of painful patterns we may have inherited. I’ll also dip into some neuroscience, which shows how self-compassion doesn’t just feel good, but also rewires the brain.

Why Compassion-Focused Therapy?

Compassion-Focused Therapy was developed by psychologist Paul Gilbert to help people who are struggling with deep feelings of shame and self-criticism, often connected to traumatic experiences. If trauma is part of your story, you might know this well—the harsh, punishing voice inside that tells you you’re not good enough, or that everything is your fault. CFT helps us start to treat ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer to a dear friend, helping to quiet that inner critic and heal the wounds it keeps reopening.

The Science Behind It: How Compassion Changes the Brain

Compassion-focused practices are not just about feeling nice. They change the brain in powerful ways. Neuroscience tells us that when we practice self-compassion, we’re working with our brain’s evolved systems for soothing and bonding (the parasympathetic nervous system) rather than the systems that fuel fight-or-flight responses (the sympathetic nervous system).

Studies using brain imaging show that self-compassion activates parts of the brain associated with positive emotions and social connection, like the prefrontal cortex and the insula. Over time, CFT can rewire the brain to respond differently to stress.

However, for most of us, moving straight from self-criticism to unwavering self-love is going to be a reach. This is where the Ladder of Compassion comes in...

The Ladder of Compassion

The Ladder of Compassion, a helpful way to understand the step-by-step process of building self-compassion. Each rung of the ladder represents a different skill or mindset that can help you feel more compassionate toward yourself. Let’s explore how we climb that ladder, starting with basic mindfulness and working toward developing a compassionate inner voice.

1. Connecting With Ourselves Through Mindful Breathing

The first rung of the ladder starts with awareness. Often, when we are caught up in trauma, stress, or shame, we don’t even realise we are in survival mode. Mindful breathing helps us become aware of what’s happening inside us and creates a space for calm.

Exercise: Mindful Breathing

• Find a quiet place to sit or lie down.

• Close your eyes and take a deep breath in, hold it for a moment, and then slowly breathe out.

• Focus your attention on the sensation of your breath. Feel the air coming in through your nose and flowing out through your mouth.

• If your mind starts to wander (which it will!), gently bring your focus back to your breath.

• Be kind on yourself when you first try this out. If your mind is particularly busy, try for just a few seconds. If you feel comfortable with more, try for 5-10 minutes a day and build up in a way that feels sustainable for you.

• Once you’re familiar with this introductory practice, you might like to start noticing your body in these practices. Notice any tension, and as you breathe out see if you can release some (if you can’t, that’s okay too!)

2. Noticing the Inner Critic

As you move up the ladder, the next step is learning to recognise your inner critic. This is the voice that judges, criticizes, and blames. For many people, this voice is the result of trauma—it’s a defense mechanism that tries to protect us by keeping us “in line.” But it often ends up being the source of a lot of suffering.

Exercise: Identifying Your Inner Critic

• Throughout the day, notice when you start to hear that critical voice inside.

• Ask yourself: Whose voice is this? Does it sound like someone from my past?

• Write down what your inner critic is saying. Sometimes just seeing the words can help us to see them in a different light.

3. Building Compassionate Self-Talk

Once we’re aware of the inner critic, the next rung on the ladder is replacing those harsh words with kinder, more compassionate ones. Think about how you would speak to a friend who was struggling. That’s how we want to speak to ourselves.

Exercise: Rewriting the Script

• Take one of the critical thoughts you wrote down earlier. For example, “I always mess things up.”

• Now, rewrite that thought in a compassionate way. For example: “This is hard. I’m doing the best I can, and it’s okay to make mistakes.”

• Practice saying these new thoughts out loud, or write them down in a journal. Over time, this will help shift your inner dialogue to something more supportive and kind.

4. Compassionate Imagery

Finally, at the top of the ladder, we can start to develop a compassionate inner image—an idealised version of a compassionate figure (this could be yourself, someone you admire, or even an imagined figure). This imagery can help us strengthen our compassionate mindset.

Exercise: Creating Your Compassionate Image

• Sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths to center yourself.

• Now, imagine a figure who embodies perfect compassion. This could be a wise older person, a spiritual figure, or even an animal. It’s someone who loves and accepts you exactly as you are. (Note: Try to keep this figure an imaginary one, rather than based on a person you actually know).

• Picture this figure standing or sitting with you. How does their presence make you feel? Warm? Safe? Supported?

• Spend a few minutes each day visualising this figure, particularly when you’re feeling stressed or self-critical.

Building a New Legacy of Compassion

See how you go with these practices. Sometimes, when we start practicing self-compassion, our inner critic might chime in with “this is a load of rubbish”, or even criticise you for criticising yourself “look, you can’t even do self-compassion”. This is very much part of the process, if these thoughts come up, see if you can notice them as the voice of the inner critic, rather than as facts.

In addition, we all have different ways of thinking, if the imagery (or any other practice) doesn’t work so well for you, it’ll just be for a lack of fit rather than a personal failing. Try to take it easy on yourself, and if you’d like to take it further then please do reach out.

Parenting Triggers: What are they and how can I manage them?

Every parent will experience moments where their patience runs thin, and we all react in ways we wish we hadn’t. These moments are often triggered by things that push our buttons or bring up difficult emotions.

Understanding your parenting triggers can make a huge difference in how you respond to your child, especially during those challenging moments. One of things I love most about my work is helping people to understand and manage their emotions, and feel more satisfied in relationships with their children and loved ones. I hope this is a helpful introduction.

What Are Parenting Triggers?

A parenting trigger is anything that causes an intense emotional reaction in us, often leading to responses like shouting, frustration, or shutting down, that don’t reflect how we really want to parent.

Triggers are personal—what sets one parent off may not bother another. They can stem from past experiences, personal expectations, or simply the stress of a busy day.

Common examples include:

• Feeling disrespected: If your child ignores your requests or talks back, it might trigger feelings of being disrespected.

• Mess or chaos: Constant clutter or disorder can make you feel out of control, especially if you prefer things to be neat and tidy.

• Your child’s behavior: Tantrums, whining, or refusal to listen can tap into feelings of frustration or powerlessness.

• Feeling overwhelmed: Juggling parenting, work, and household tasks can lead to exhaustion, and the smallest thing might set off a big reaction.

The good news is, with some awareness and practice, we can manage these reactions more effectively.

How to Identify Your Triggers

The first step in managing triggers is identifying what they are. Here are some tips to help you figure it out:

• Pay Attention to Physical Clues: Your body often reacts before your mind catches up. Notice if your heart races, your muscles tense, or your jaw clenches. These are signs that you’re being triggered. When we’ve lived through a lot of stress, our bodies hold tension habitually. They can also be the key to releasing it. Tune in as much as you can throughout the day; for example using a body scan to check for tension.

• Reflect on Past Reactions: Think about times when you’ve overreacted. What was happening right before that? What was your child doing? Did you feel disrespected, embarrassed, or out of control? Reflecting on these moments can help you pinpoint common triggers. It can be helpful to keep a ‘triggers log’ of any times throughout the week, and reflect back on the patterns you notice.

Tools to Manage Your Triggers

Once you’ve identified your triggers, you can start working on managing them. Here are a few tools to try:

• Attend to your Nervous System: When you feel a trigger response coming on, ‘name it to tame it’ “that’s anger”. take a few deep breaths before reacting. This gives you a moment to calm your body and think about how you want to respond.

• Tune into Your Thoughts: What are you thinking about yourself and/or your child. For example, if you’re perceiving their behaviour as intentionally defiant, remind yourself that it’s a normal and healthy part of development, not a personal attack.

• Connect with your Network: Where difficulties and traumas often occur in relationships, so often the healing does too. If you have access to safe and trustworthy relationships, it can be helpful to talk about your triggers. Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is a neat communication process, that you can find out more about here.

• Practice Self-Compassion: Parenting is hard, and it’s okay to have tough moments. When you feel triggered, the culprit is generally an overactive threat system. Compassion-focussed therapies can be invaluable in learning to soothe ourselves in order to soothe our little ones. For more on this approach, you might like to check out one of our other blogs “Why do I feel like this?”.

Parenting triggers are a normal part of the journey, but they don’t have to control you. By understanding what sets you off and using tools like pausing, reframing, and self-compassion, you can respond in a way that feels calmer and more intentional. Remember, you’re doing your best, and every small step toward managing your triggers makes a big difference for both you and your child.

I hope this is a helpful introduction to some of the ideas and tools for managing triggers. I know that this stuff is easier in theory than in practice. If you are struggling to manage triggers of your own and would like some additional support, please do feel free to reach out.

Why do I feel like this?

Spoiler alert: It’s not a personal failing.

The fact that you are reading this blog is a testament to your parenting.

Our relationship with ourselves is central to our mental health. Parenting can be a particular trigger to feelings of self-criticism, and self-criticism can lead to anxiety and low mood. Many parents know that they would like to be kinder to themselves, but it can sometimes feel like a reach.

Self-compassion is the antidote to self-criticism, and can improve your own wellbeing, and your relationship with your baby. The Compassionate Ladder is a metaphor that helps us develop self-compassion in a graded way. This can be particularly helpful for new parents.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to progressing through the stages over time. Sometimes, when we under particular stress, we might also need to step back down the ladder to earlier steps and rebuild from there. I hope this provides some clarity and direction:

Step 1: Recognition

Acknowledge the presence of self-critical thoughts and understand their impact.

• Awareness: Notice when you are being self-critical. For example, you might think, "I’m a terrible mother because I’m feeling overwhelmed."

• Journaling: Write down these thoughts to identify patterns. This can help you see how often and in what contexts you are self-critical.

• Reflection: Reflect on how these thoughts make you feel and behave. Understand that recognizing them is the first step towards change.

Step 2: Understanding

Gain insight into why these self-critical thoughts exist, often rooted in past experiences or societal expectations.

• Exploration: Consider where these thoughts come from. Are they influenced by societal pressures to be a perfect mother, past experiences, or unrealistic expectations?

• Contextualization: Understand that these thoughts are a natural response to stress and pressure. For instance, "I feel like I’m not doing enough because I’ve been conditioned to believe that good mothers should always be perfect."

Step 3: Acceptance

Accept these thoughts without judgment, recognising they are part of the human experience.

• Non-Judgment: When you notice self-critical thoughts, practice accepting them without judgment. Say to yourself, "It’s okay to have these thoughts. They are part of my human experience."

• Mindfulness: Use mindfulness techniques to observe these thoughts without believing or reacting to them. Let them pass like clouds in the sky.

Step 4: Kindness

Actively practice self-kindness, replacing self-critical thoughts with supportive and nurturing ones.

• Self-Talk: Replace negative self-talk with compassionate statements. For instance, instead of "I’m failing," say, "I’m doing my best under difficult circumstances."

• Compassionate Acts: Engage in acts of self-kindness. Take breaks when needed, rest, and do activities that bring you joy and relaxation.

Step 5: Integration

Incorporate self-compassion into daily life, making it a habitual response.

• Routine: Make self-compassion a part of your daily routine. This could involve regular mindfulness practice, journaling, or setting aside time each day for self-care.

• Compassionate Imagery: Use compassionate imagery exercises regularly. Visualize a compassionate figure offering you support and kindness.

• Positive Reinforcement: Reinforce compassionate behavior by acknowledging and rewarding yourself for practicing self-kindness. This could be as simple as acknowledging, "I took a break today and allowed myself to rest, which is a compassionate act."

Practical Example of Applying the Compassionate Ladder

A new mother, Sarah (pseudonym), is experiencing feelings of inadequacy and guilt because she’s struggling to balance baby care with household chores.

Step 1: Recognition

Sarah recognizes that she often thinks, "I’m a bad mother because I can’t keep up with everything."

Step 2: Understanding

She explores these thoughts and realizes they stem from societal pressures and her perfectionistic tendencies.

Step 3: Acceptance

Sarah practices accepting these thoughts without judgment. She acknowledges that it’s normal to feel overwhelmed and that these thoughts don’t define her.

Step 4: Kindness

She replaces her negative self-talk with, "I’m doing the best I can, and it’s okay to ask for help." She allows herself to rest when the baby naps instead of rushing to do chores.

Step 5: Integration

Sarah incorporates self-compassion into her daily routine by practicing mindful breathing exercises each morning and reflecting on positive affirmations. She also joins a support group for new mothers where she shares her experiences and receives encouragement.

In summary…

Applying the Compassionate Ladder to post-natal mental health involves a gradual process of recognising and understanding self-critical thoughts, accepting them without judgment, practicing self-kindness, and integrating these practices into daily life. By climbing this ladder, parents can build a more compassionate relationship with themselves, and improve their overall wellbeing.

I hope the above give some clarity and direction. There are many factors that influence our relationship with ourselves and how easy it is to practice self-compassion. If you would like more support, then we would be pleased to help.